Do you wish for a closer, more trusting relationship with your children? Do you find yourself frustrated that your kids rarely seem interested in talking with you? Maybe the answer lies in what sort of messages you are sending. Consider these examples:
Son: “Hey Dad, guess what? I was the third fastest in the 100 meter dash today!”
Dad: “Well you shouldn’t get too excited because of who you were racing against.”Daughter: “Mom, Julie invited everyone to her birthday party except for me. I can’t believe she left me out!”
Mom: “Is this something you really need to cry about? You barely know her.”Daughter: “I’m so frustrated. I got a ‘D’ on my Geometry midterm. My teacher is horrible.”
Mom: “Maybe you should spend more time studying.”
These responses may not always produce a reaction in the moment; however, repeated over time, these negative comments create distance in a relationship. Children learn to communicate less often with their parents because they don’t feel like they’re being heard or understood.
If you find yourself shifting to the negative side of things, consider these two changes:
TAKE TIME TO UNDERSTAND
Parents often jump right into lecturing and giving advice. They forget that their child has a deep need to be heard and understood. So next time your child comes home upset because she lost her homework, take a moment to let her know that you understand her disappointment and frustration. Avoid the temptation to jump right into a lecture about how to organize her stuff better. Instead, be thankful she is willing to share her feelings and experiences with you and invite her to continue sharing.
ASK MORE QUESTIONS
After you have walked through the understanding portion, take a moment to ask questions. There might be more to the story that you don’t know. Avoid jumping to conclusions, giving a quick judgement, or solving their problem. In fact, ask if they want help solving their problem! When you ask questions, your child feels like their voice is heard and valued.
These two adjustments could help you transform your relationship. When you are intentional about speaking value and worth into your children, your interactions may sound more like this:
Son: “Hey dad, guess what? I was the third fastest in the 100 meter dash today!”
Dad: “Wow! That must have been an exciting race. How’d you get to be so fast?”Daughter: “Mom, Julie invited everyone to her birthday party except for me. I can’t believe she left me out!”
Mom: “It sounds like you’re really upset. That’s a difficult situation. Is Julie someone you are wanting to spend more time with?”Daughter: “I’m so frustrated. I got a ‘D’ on my Geometry midterm. My teacher is horrible.”
Mom: “It sounds like you were hoping to make a better grade. That must be disappointing. Is there anything I can do to help out?”
These responses take intentional effort on your part. They are likely not your natural response. But choosing to step up and make a change could transform your relationship with your child.